“Stop eating chips! You are getting fat!” That was my mom several month ago.

I was so uncomfortable with her pointing out that I am getting fat, so I said: “don’t worry, I work out regularly.”

“You do?”

“Yes...”

No, I don’t, but that makes me start thinking: how can I pretend to hit the gym regularly but not really to do those exhausting exercises? Here are some of my pro tips:

Tip one, wear gym clothes everywhere. Like what I do right now [wearing gym clothes and jogging shoes], and whenever people ask about them, just say something like: “uhmm, I just came back from gym” or “I am going to hit the gym in a minute”.

Tip two, “accidentally” forget something. When arriving at the gym, suddenly you realize that you leave the ball pen at apartment. The ball pan is so important that you can not work out without it, so you have not choice but leave the gym and have a cup of coffee at a coffee shop nearby. End of today’s workout [shrug].

Tip three, wait for machines. When you are in the gym, stand by a machine that is occupied by someone and pretend that “oh, this is my routine. I have to use this machine but not any other machines that are not occupied”. What’s more important, when you notice that the person has almost finished, leave the machine like you finally lose your patience, and wait for another machine.

Tip four, fill your water bottle. Oh, it has been half an hour [look at my watch], time for a break! Go to the water fountain, fill the bottle, empty the bottle, and fill it again. The key is to do this as slowly as possible.

Tip five, fake weight training. This one is simple. Step one, pick dumbbells up. One, two, three. Step two, put dumbbells back.

Tip six, look like you are keeping track of your exercises. Step one, look at your watch. Step two, draw a pig or something on your notebook. Oh, and that’s why a ball pen is a must.

Tip seven, use a machine. Step one, seat on a leg press machine. Step two, take a nap. Works even better if you wear sunglasses.

Tip eight, post progress pictures on Facebook. Simply hit the gym is not enough, you have to let people know. How can you impress people with your change? Before [double chins angle], after [myspace angle]. Then you should post it on facebook, and say something like “5 kilograms down, I made it!”

That’s all of my fool-nobody-but-myself pro tips on workout, hope you guys like it.